Week 10 - What's been the biggest battle in life so far for you?

For some reason I had quite the battle of finding myself on my mission. I grew up wanting to go on a mission, especially after my older brother went on a mission. I always wanted to be like him. Even up through high school, where I felt like somewhat of a religious leader among my peers being on the Roy High School Seminary Council, I wanted to be a missionary. I had my mind made up that I would be on a mission after school.

Somewhere in there I started to question the idea of going on a mission. I didn't have anything against the church, I just didn't know if a mission was for me. I left home to go to school at snow college. I remained active in church and took religion classes at the Snow College Institute, but for some reason I felt distant from the church. Maybe it was the rebellious side of me coming out - I didn't really know that I had one of those. It could have been the fear of change and going out into some crazy land virtually on my own. I don't know. Whatever it was, I felt distant and like a visitor learning about the church rather than a part of the church when I attended my meetings and classes.

Among my other experiences at Snow College of exploring life away from home and "being responsible" for myself, I had a class at the Institute on The Book of Mormon. Now, I had read the Book of Mormon multiple times. I knew that it was a true book of scripture from our Heavenly Father. I gained that testimony on my own and thanks to some bold help from my parents requiring me to wake up and read with them every morning from the time that I couldn't even read. This class wasn't really anything special that I remember. But, I do remember that feeling of being an outsider, instead of the insider that I had always been in church-related things.

One day, after our class, my teacher and I were talking. While I don't remember the whole conversation, I do remember him telling me that he knew something was bothering me. While it wasn't a deep conversation, he told me that if I would approach my Heavenly Father in prayer about whatever was lacking in my life, He would help me fill in that gap. That comment must have really hit me, because that very night I went home and prayed about it. I don't remember any big ritual of trying to prepare myself for a special prayer or a fast or anything. But, I do remember kneeling down in my little shared dorm room and praying for some help. I don't really recall praying for anything specific, except some help.

The next morning I woke up with the strongest impression I believe I have ever felt. I knew that I needed to leave school and go on a mission. This was around Thanksgiving time and I still had a few weeks left of class. I remember pretty well checking out of school and coming home. I don't recall finishing up my classes, but I know that I received credit for some of them. I can't remember if I called my parents and told them I was coming home, or if I just showed up on the doorstep with my things letting them know I was done with school and ready to go on a mission.

Now, that wasn't the fix all. Much like getting married doesn't fix any relationship, I had to do a lot more work. This was only the beginning of my mission struggles. Leading up to going on my mission I had a huge break down the night before. I remember calling my best friend Emilee and chatting with her to get some confidence that I could really do this. I struggled through the Missionary Training Center (MTC). Learning Korean was hard and I think it took a toll on our little district of missionaries heading there. There were multiple fights and an alignment of missionaries vs the other missionaries. Unfortunately, I fell on the side that wasn't necessarily in the right and was trying to tear apart those that were. I was blessed with the great opportunity of having a companion that had already learned some of the language and was excelling at everything. I think I got a little spiteful and helped cause some problems with that spite. One of our group went home a few times from the MTC with health issues and mental issues (trying to decide if he was really ready). We went through a few different companionships in our little 12 week stint at the MTC.

When we got to Korea, I got a trainer that I think wanted to change some past things he had been doing in the mission that were against the rules. He had a lot on his shoulders with wanted to change and a new companion that didn't know anything about Korea, including the language. Unfortunately, I wasn't much of a support to him and we ended up spending time with some of the other missionaries that didn't really keep the rules of the mission that my trainer was trying to break free from. I learned a way of missionary work that was more of "kicking against the pricks" than helping out the work. I became a part of an underground group of missionaries that didn't really do anything bad, but didn't do anything good. I don't know if this exists in every mission, but it did in mine. On a few occasions, I got word from our mission president that he was called in to clean up the mess that was going on with the missionaries in our mission. There were new rule books that were put into place and freedoms taken away to clean up the mission. Unfortunately, I became a part of the cleaning that needed to happen.

While I feel uneasy about the time that was left wasted in Korea and I worry a bit about those that I did not teach because of my disobedience to the mission rules, I feel like I have been forgiven that time in Korea. About halfway through my mission, I was given a companion that had been out on the coast. I didn't have a history with him and he had no history of me. Elder Palmer was an answer to another prayer. This little thing called "guilt" had really started to settle in on my shoulders. I started to realize all of the wasted time I had had in Korea. I started to feel bad. I was worn out and tired of fighting. I think I was even quite homesick feeling that "if this was all I was going to do in Korea, I could be doing better things as home." I prayed for help and Elder Palmer came at the next transfer of missionaries.

Elder Palmer was a missionary that understood missionary work. He wasn't a pavement pounding proselyter, he wasn't a guy that worked to knock every door in the area in one day either. I had had companions like that, and I think they caused more angst with missionary work than anything. Elder Palmer came from a slower way of life on the coast of Korea. He loved the people there and they loved him. He spent hours and days in their service and the people flocked to him. Elder Palmer knew Korean, not that you have to speak a language fluently to be a good missionary, but his love for the people cause him to put in the effort to learn the language. He caused the Korean's to turn their heads when he was talking on the street because his speech was so fluid and native. People would just talk to him at the wonder of an American speaking such like a Korean - with a coastal dialect for that matter.

Elder Palmer also loved me. He became a big brother that I could tell all my troubles to without worry of him looking down on me. He lifted me up and helped me move past the past that I had in Korea. He helped me repent. I came clean with my mission president. I did everything I could to stop the "underground" things that were going on in our mission. Elder Palmer and I worked too. We worked hard, but smart. We met quite a few people and taught more first discussions than I had ever taught. We even taught a few people beyond and through the discussions. Elder Palmer went home a few months after he came to save me. But, that few months turned me around and got me on my feet for the rest of my mission. It became a time of making up for lost time the first half of my mission. It was filled with disappointment and satisfaction, sadness and happiness, discouragement and learning. But, the whole time instead of knowing what I was doing was wrong, I knew what I was doing was right. I corrected the wrong path and have been going full steam ever since that time.

I've only ever spoken with Elder Palmer once or twice since that time. He was in Utah on vacation with school once and we got together for an hour or two. I'm grateful to a Heavenly Father that knows what we need and sends it when we ask for help at the perfect time. I know that this earth life is part of His plan that He directs. He knows each of us individually and is there for us when we invite Him in.