I'm afraid of quite a few things. I have a fear of basements, the dark, outhouses, and especially heights. I'm not sure where all of these come from. I do know that the outhouses thing came from a story that was told around the campfire when I was a young scout. I get quite a bit of vertigo whether it is walking across Angel's Landing or some other super high hike with sheer cliffs, or walking along the second story at the hospital or mall near the overlook to the floors below. I freak out a little every time the lights are out and I'm walking up the stairs - I don't know why. I've never really been a fan of night games - too many creepy movies where bad things happen in the dark, and haunted houses at Halloween are on the do not visit list. Any combination these things like dark and outhouses only compounds the problem.
This story of me being frightened has nothing to do with any of those other fears though. However, I was in the basement when it happened. I don't quite recall how old I was when this happened, but I was living at home in the blue room (Jason's room) downstairs. I was sleeping on the water bed, so I think that puts me in my mid-teen years. Jason was probably on his mission at this time and I don't recall Amy being around either. Maybe Jason was in Hawaii and Amy was just on her mission - who knows. Either way, I was a teenager living at home.
I recall waking up one night in extreme pain. My body just ached all over. I didn't really know what it was so I think I tried to go to the bathroom, get a drink and then just go back to bed. After a while of battling the pain and not being able to sleep it out, I had the distinct feeling that I was going to die. Now, rather than run upstairs and wake Mom and Dad, or call 911 to get an ambulance over to the house, I decided to lay there for a while. As this feeling that I was going to die kept coming over me, I decided to write my last words to everyone in my family. Rather than just write one note, I wrote individual notes to everyone in my family. I believe I even wrote to a few of my friends. I must have been awake for hours writing these notes. Then, I laid back down for the final rest of my life here on earth. Funny thing, I woke up the next morning feeling fine. The notes were still on my nightstand and I wasn't anywhere but here on Earth.
I don't recall if I ever gave those notes to anyone in my family, but I do recall hiding them away so that nobody would find them that day while I was at work or school.
I don't know why I had that experience, unless I was on one of my crazy food binges. I used to feel that I could eat anything because I ran with the cross-country team every morning and night. I now cringe at the thought of some of foods - and volumes of foods - that I used to put in my body. I don't know why I had that impression. There are a few things that I do know. When I'm in my groove, I express my feelings better in writing than verbally. I don't speak very well - funny coming from a guy that did his undergraduate work in Communication. I have a deep respect for each member of my family. That respect is for different qualities that they each have, none are the same. I don't know if this came from me having to pause in my teenage life where I felt like the whole world revolved around me and face the fear of death, or from something else.
I have also come to not fear death as much as I used to. This doesn't mean that I know have a reckless regard for life. In fact it means quite the opposite. I have a great respect for the life that we have been given. I understand that it is not my life and that it can be taken at any time. While I'm not anywhere near perfect, nor would I ever suggest such a thing (except in light-hearted sarcasm), I think this experience and quite a few others in my life have led me to do my best in the situations I encounter. Quite regularly I have the thought of "how would I act in this situation if it were the last time I would encounter it." This thought leads me to act quite different and think about the decisions I make. If only this thought were constantly in my mind before I reacted in most situations. Unfortunately, I am still a mortal and quite imperfect. I react too quickly and without thought in too many situations. I feel bad especially when this happens with my own children. I pray regularly for the patients to overcome this weakness of mind and to develop some patience. Maybe that is why I keep getting in situations that could be deemed patience builders.
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